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Well hello, this gonna be a pretty long writing post so if you don't feel like reading stop reading now.

I am currently awake at 3.13am. Yes, I know it may be normal for me to be awake at this hour during finals but I am awake because I must and not that I want to! Why? Because I was so smart I ordered cham(cantonese, means tea + coffee, with extra coffee) ice when I went out for a drink just now. USUALLY, caffeine and chinese tea won't have any effect on my sleeping pattern but I guess my body reaction is changing? The getting-older symptoms maybe? (turning to the big 2-0 soon, die)

So basically, my 1st paper is on 14th, which is next Tuesday and is a psychology paper. Another paper on the next day and it's also a psychology paper. And guess what? Yes you guess it right (or maybe no), I have not studied ANYTHING at all. Why? 1. It's mcq. 2. I never attended lectures. 3. It's all theories about psychos (ok I know I like it but so many words? :/).

Hence, what I do recently? 1. Studied all weeks of International Banking and Finance for my last paper which falls on next next Monday. Yes, I am that afraid of failing that freaking subject. 2. Get obessesed with WongFu Productions' videos on Youtube! Yes hello they are the shitzz yo. I mean if you have the time (not during finals like me and now I am doomed because I am addicted and I can't study my psychology), watch their videos. They are really good! *thumbs up for Asian and cute hot guys :p*

Anyhow, serious business/topic here.

I wanna ask you people something pretty interesting (psychology theories kicking in). Have you ever experience friends,family or people around you often tell/show you that something/someone they see/do/whatever reminds them of you? For example:

'omg that shirt is so Jean'

'omg that thing is so you'

'omg that's so you'

'oh shitz Jean you are just so Jean'

ok you get the picture aite. I mean I am not flattering myself but have you at least experience situations where people perceive things and actually link those things/stuffs/whatever with you and as time pass, they just assume that it is you, there's a psychology term for it that I studied before but I just couldn't recall what it is :/. Anyway, I am not complaining but it's kinda interesting to think about why people actually do so. A signature maybe? Well I am not saying I am so damn special but it's pretty cool to think that people actually knows your signature, I mean I don't even really know how people sees me and I don't even know what's my own swags but through others perception, I slowly know what define Jean. And yes, I know I am surely not a girly girl, I mean I am not even a girl inside (ok maybe a little), and I know FOR SURE that when I am consider to be crazy/hyper,mainly hyper all the time, and because of that I know FOR SURE I do not have an image (image as in when I go out I can just do crazy things, if you know me in person then you know what I mean).

So back to the point, why did I just crap that out? It links to workforce. Yes, I am graduating very soon. Blink blink blink fast soon. And I am afraid to come out, why? Because I studied Finance and Psychology. Finance TOTALLY does not link with my personality, I mean I am crazy and hyper. How do you expect me to sit in a bank? (ok lets assume the most common job for Finance student is working in a bank alright?). People around me KNOW that I can't sit still for even 15mins (that's why I don't attend lectures, I have serious hyper issues). How about Psychology then? Yes, it does link a bit of my psychoness but to be a Psychologist, I have to study EVEN FURTHER just to be a small unimportant one and no I don't feel like continue studying right after degree and also I don't think it's useful in Malaysia. So, what's the point of studying like hell everyday just so that I can fit into the workforce and be a NORMAL (no offence) and boring (no offence again) woman that work 9am to 5pm every fucking day and live an extremely SCHEDULE daily life? Yes, money. Future. Family. Luxurious. Social stereotypes. Bla bla bla. All these shits that shape what we NEED to do and not what we WANT to do. I know this may sound cliche but people always say its your life, live it the way you want and not what people ask you to. Bullshit! That person that told you to live your life the way you want just told you what to do. Get my point?

What I am suggesting is that no one ever not dream about something they really want. So what I really wanna do with my life? And not just study just to get a NORMAL and SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE life in the future? I want to jump around everyday. I want to look at the world in every corner. I wanna experience every single thing in this world in a whole new dimension. Experience every single living things in this world, like how does people survive, how people thinks about each other, how every single DIFFERENT kind of people define the world, I want to spend my days exploring every thing and person, what their minds are thinking, how things work. Yes it's pretty much Psychology (not those Psychologists that treat patients but really person that explore things and come out with own theories) but is it worth it? Is it worth to throw every single responsibility that you have and just explore everyday (I don't mean travelling, and yes of course I love to travel but not that kind of explore I mean). Wake up, go to different places everyday, sit and explore NATURE. Oh yeah, that's the word for it. I want to explore the nature of things and people. Yes. Got it.

I know I am being selfish. I know I am gonna disappoint every person around me especially my family that spent so much on me so that I can be successful next time but what's successful when you are not happy? 'Success is a journey not a destination', yea cliche again but it's true. Dreams and that cruel reality never match, I have to accept the fact, just like every else did. But what if I want to be different? Is the risk that I would take actually. To be different and not be NORMAL and work like a dog just to feed myself. All I need? A person that actually understands this and say 'let's go' and an opportunity. Waiting.

What say you?