I am actually very extremely busy right now that I shouldn't be typing anything here but I think I need a breather. I am in rage/hulk mode currently that it distracted me from doing the things I should be doing. It's week 11 for uni already, 1 Psychology essay on eating disorder due next next week, final year Psychology research paper due same week, 6 online tests due the same week too. And my first paper is on 3rd Nov, finance paper which require full preparation on each week tutorial which I was too busy to be doing. And with the situations I have to faced every day, I am under time constraint and stress almost every second of the day. I am not exaggerating as if I am some celebrity which is so damn busy but you don't know me so you don't know what I need to go through every single day. Unstable meal times, insufficient sleep, headaches, weight loss, constant rushing around and etc, I know is unhealthy, but things won't give me a break.
I am easily rage lately because of all those reasons and especially for those people in my life that always give me fucking excuses on IMPORTANT things, I mean come on, if I ask you out for yamcha then you said your goldfish died and you need to have a funeral in the toilet for your precious goldfish then I don't fucking bother. But, its uni related and work related and financial related, you give me excuses like "I don't wanna wake up so early', 'I got work', 'It's far', etc., FUCKING STUPID OKAY! I can wake up early, I got work too, I stayed further than you, I travelled to you too, then why I can and you can't? FUCKING ASSHOLES !! (this assholes applied to a wide range of people in my life).
Yes, you may see me as a hyper unresponsible kid because I am always jumping and hyper when I am around with people (family and close friends), I am always the one making stupid jokes, annoying faces and etc, I always don't go for lectures (never change I know :s), I always dress slumber, look chillax. Yea, I used to be very unresponsible and never actually realised there's more things in life than those that I priority in, but after what had happened, what I've been through since last year end, I swear I am more mature than some people that is 25 and still putting stupid stuffs as their priority. I may look small and childish, but no, I've became much more serious in things that need to be serious with and there's more things in life to learn and go with than our average little bubble.
So I grew up, those assholes around me have to start growing up! I've seen a lot but there's much more for me to see and learn in life and much more space to grow up with but I dare say, I bet my life on it, I am much more mature than some people in my life that are few years older than me.
Ok, done raging. I am out.
Months ago. The contrast of what I am feeling right now.
I am receiving quite a number of 'complaints' ,okay la not complaints but web (e.g. Jiunn sweetie's) and verbal requests from people to reactivate my Facebook because they miss looking at my pictures? You know la my fans club misses me :p ok no la perasan gila babi but they reminded me that it has been abit too long. Another reason also because whenever they wanna gossip or talk about others, videos or songs, they have to open their Facebook on the spot so that they can tell me stories, so sometimes abit troublesome la kan?
I did realised it has been too long but I am already used to it. :/ I am used to not having Facebook anymore, and I don't miss it at all (sorry account). It's not like I use it much when I have it so it doesn't make much difference though. Hmmm. But I guess those requests still doesn't tempt me (sorry people, the significant reasons for me to reactivate it again are not significant enough to trigger my threshold).
I have so much going on right now that I guess it's better to stay low for now till I deal with everything that I have in hand now then only go busybody over other people stories.
So here are some outdated pictures from my phone or from friends that I remember since I went mia.
totally random food picture to make you salivate :p #1
Results are out and I passed everything! :) pretty happy about it but a little bit disappointed with both Psychology units though, but then again, with so much going on lately, I guess is ok? :p excuses la I know
Now, truly enjoy what's left of holiday :D food fiesta!
And I everytime have to say no and explain the reason in summary form.
Few days ago, a friend told me, 'Thank god I have your phone number, if not, who knows where the hell are you. I thought where did you disappear to.'. True that, I mean he has a point though, without Facebook, I only use Twitter and not much of my friends use it and I am not active in my MSN anymore, so if they were to look for me, the only way is to call/text me straight, if not I guess I am consider 'dead'? Haha. I joked back and said, 'well if someone had murder or kidnap me, I guess no one will know except those that are close to me, those that talk to me often?'. But, I realised without Facebook, there is less drama? Like they say, 'What you can't see, you can't feel. What you can't feel, it won't hurt you.' <- okay la it doesn't sound that completely right but something like that.
As you may realised, I don't blog personal stuffs here anymore if you compare to all my old posts (if you are long term loyal follower then maybe you do realised), people changed and people grow up, thats all I can say? And maybe because I don't have the time to sit in front of the computer anymore? And also, not much pictures anymore. Reasons? 1. No Facebook, want photos? Ask people to email me and sometimes I shy because its troublesome? So no photos. If got, also abit outdated, get it after weeks :/ 2. My photos are all in Mr.Yu's harddisk :/
ps: I feel like I am getting away from the internet world? The only time I use were for Youtube. And I don't have much time for that anymore. Sigh growing up -_-"
pss: I felt abit left-out when my friends were talking about Facebook stuffs and especially yesterday or the day before someone actually told me Facebook chat has video chat?! Last time I am not even active in Facebook chat (always offline) and now they have video call?! I think I just stayed in a cave for 3months :O
psss: Because I can't stand my bb battery life so I purposely bought a purple car charger months back but realised my car charger place is not useable so now everyday I have to charge my phone all the time when I'm home and when I'm out, I have to bear with low battery after few hours :|
pssss: I finally have very long curls hair but I lost weight, okbye.
Warning: This post gonna be lengthy so you have been warned to stop reading from here. Okbye.
It has been awhile now that I am in my 1month holiday. And I could finally say that I have consume back sufficient sleep (maybe a little bit too much) that I have lost for the past 3months. My daily routine would be: woke up at noon (usually 1 or 2pm), check phone with missed calls/messages/bbms/whatsapp, no one at home, stone awhile (30mins or so), reply calls/messages/bbms/whatsapp, start planning for the day, dress up a little (not realy. usually tanks and shorts/minis because the weather too hot!), then roam around like a drifter.
Time do pass really fast each day, 6months ago I was still an intern, a girl that was still confuse about a lot of things, but 6months later, I can proudly say that I have really became a better person with the life changing experiences (I literally meant life changing, not just a metaphor but really TOUGH situations) that happened in this short half year. It was not easy at first, with other things such as relationship and studies to juggle with, but now, I think I can manage? I still do feel sorrow once in awhile but you know me, I will eventually be happy and hyper again after awhile.
People say as you grow, responsibilities and burden grow as well. And I never truly understand that until now, after what had happened in these past 6months, I finally feel the responsibilities coming right down on me like a heavy rock. Sometimes I feel helpless though.
And yea, I am scare of being 20 soon. Very. Very. As for birthdays, funny thing is that I always depends on Facebook to help me remember people birthdays and now, since I don't own a Facebook, I am ready to accept my fair 'punishment' from friends if they forgot when my birthday is. But then again, I don't want something big this time, I want to quietly***** pass my kidshood into the next stage of life. BUT! For sure, even though my mind is growing, my soul is still as hyper and crazy as a kid, it will be, always. :)
***** quietly but doesn't mean NO birthday ok people that actually read this, if you want to buy me a present/car/house/Spongebob/batman/drink/dinner/anything, I STILL WANT ok? tak tau malu sikit.
So, in relation to age, there's another weird thing that had been going around. My mother is telling every one that I am getting married soon. Wtf?! Mum, I am not even officially 20 yet, and who am I going to be marry to now? Siapa nak kahwin budak ni yang masih nampak macam budak? I highly suspect she has migrate plans that does not include me -_-
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Remember my previous post about WongFu Productions videos? I have finally spent my time watching all videos on Youtube after exam and I am obsessed with Philip Wang! ;p I have fetish over guys that are fat/chubby and/or guys with thick eyebrows and hairy face, I mean with mustache, beards and goatees! Hugh Jackman? Ed Westwick? David Villa? Philip Wang? :p hehehe. If a guy have both the criteria then confirm will make me go crazy. And also, I realised the other dude, Wesley Chan look exactly like one of my ex boyfriend from high school! :O
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I am going crazy with my bb battery life. Last time when I was using my Nokia, I use it to text every second and talk on the phone for hours and the battery doesn't drain much. Now? I rarely use to text as often as I do and I rarely talk on the phone as much and the battery drained very fast! :( usually phoneless by end of noon.
Well hello, this gonna be a pretty long writing post so if you don't feel like reading stop reading now.
I am currently awake at 3.13am. Yes, I know it may be normal for me to be awake at this hour during finals but I am awake because I must and not that I want to! Why? Because I was so smart I ordered cham(cantonese, means tea + coffee, with extra coffee) ice when I went out for a drink just now. USUALLY, caffeine and chinese tea won't have any effect on my sleeping pattern but I guess my body reaction is changing? The getting-older symptoms maybe? (turning to the big 2-0 soon, die)
So basically, my 1st paper is on 14th, which is next Tuesday and is a psychology paper. Another paper on the next day and it's also a psychology paper. And guess what? Yes you guess it right (or maybe no), I have not studied ANYTHING at all. Why? 1. It's mcq. 2. I never attended lectures. 3. It's all theories about psychos (ok I know I like it but so many words? :/).
Hence, what I do recently? 1. Studied all weeks of International Banking and Finance for my last paper which falls on next next Monday. Yes, I am that afraid of failing that freaking subject. 2. Get obessesed with WongFu Productions' videos on Youtube! Yes hello they are the shitzz yo. I mean if you have the time (not during finals like me and now I am doomed because I am addicted and I can't study my psychology), watch their videos. They are really good! *thumbs up for Asian and cute hot guys :p*
Anyhow, serious business/topic here.
I wanna ask you people something pretty interesting (psychology theories kicking in). Have you ever experience friends,family or people around you often tell/show you that something/someone they see/do/whatever reminds them of you? For example:
'omg that shirt is so Jean'
'omg that thing is so you'
'omg that's so you'
'oh shitz Jean you are just so Jean'
ok you get the picture aite. I mean I am not flattering myself but have you at least experience situations where people perceive things and actually link those things/stuffs/whatever with you and as time pass, they just assume that it is you, there's a psychology term for it that I studied before but I just couldn't recall what it is :/. Anyway, I am not complaining but it's kinda interesting to think about why people actually do so. A signature maybe? Well I am not saying I am so damn special but it's pretty cool to think that people actually knows your signature, I mean I don't even really know how people sees me and I don't even know what's my own swags but through others perception, I slowly know what define Jean. And yes, I know I am surely not a girly girl, I mean I am not even a girl inside (ok maybe a little), and I know FOR SURE that when I am consider to be crazy/hyper,mainly hyper all the time, and because of that I know FOR SURE I do not have an image (image as in when I go out I can just do crazy things, if you know me in person then you know what I mean).
So back to the point, why did I just crap that out? It links to workforce. Yes, I am graduating very soon. Blink blink blink fast soon. And I am afraid to come out, why? Because I studied Finance and Psychology. Finance TOTALLY does not link with my personality, I mean I am crazy and hyper. How do you expect me to sit in a bank? (ok lets assume the most common job for Finance student is working in a bank alright?). People around me KNOW that I can't sit still for even 15mins (that's why I don't attend lectures, I have serious hyper issues). How about Psychology then? Yes, it does link a bit of my psychoness but to be a Psychologist, I have to study EVEN FURTHER just to be a small unimportant one and no I don't feel like continue studying right after degree and also I don't think it's useful in Malaysia. So, what's the point of studying like hell everyday just so that I can fit into the workforce and be a NORMAL (no offence) and boring (no offence again) woman that work 9am to 5pm every fucking day and live an extremely SCHEDULE daily life? Yes, money. Future. Family. Luxurious. Social stereotypes. Bla bla bla. All these shits that shape what we NEED to do and not what we WANT to do. I know this may sound cliche but people always say its your life, live it the way you want and not what people ask you to. Bullshit! That person that told you to live your life the way you want just told you what to do. Get my point?
What I am suggesting is that no one ever not dream about something they really want. So what I really wanna do with my life? And not just study just to get a NORMAL and SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE life in the future? I want to jump around everyday. I want to look at the world in every corner. I wanna experience every single thing in this world in a whole new dimension. Experience every single living things in this world, like how does people survive, how people thinks about each other, how every single DIFFERENT kind of people define the world, I want to spend my days exploring every thing and person, what their minds are thinking, how things work. Yes it's pretty much Psychology (not those Psychologists that treat patients but really person that explore things and come out with own theories) but is it worth it? Is it worth to throw every single responsibility that you have and just explore everyday (I don't mean travelling, and yes of course I love to travel but not that kind of explore I mean). Wake up, go to different places everyday, sit and explore NATURE. Oh yeah, that's the word for it. I want to explore the nature of things and people. Yes. Got it.
I know I am being selfish. I know I am gonna disappoint every person around me especially my family that spent so much on me so that I can be successful next time but what's successful when you are not happy? 'Success is a journey not a destination', yea cliche again but it's true. Dreams and that cruel reality never match, I have to accept the fact, just like every else did. But what if I want to be different? Is the risk that I would take actually. To be different and not be NORMAL and work like a dog just to feed myself. All I need? A person that actually understands this and say 'let's go' and an opportunity. Waiting.
